Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
