i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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