Moan for me like Helen Keller
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
