I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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