You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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