You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
