I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
