I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
