I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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