i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
