I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
