the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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