I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
