WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
