is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
