I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
