Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
