Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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