Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
