I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
