I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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