did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You can't motorboat a personality
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
