i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
