This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
