my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
