My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I woke up under a house in Key West
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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