God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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