she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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