The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
There's even glitter on my cock...
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