I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
