Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
