I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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