shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
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Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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