I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
