I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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