I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
