life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
