if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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