my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
