im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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