Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I will pee on everything he values.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
