Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We are two peas in an std pod
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
