I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
