Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
