can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
