The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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