matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
