So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
