While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
