Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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