i think i have two assholes
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
