The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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