I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
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PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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